Tuesday

My middle son now the oldest at home starts weight training today for next school terms football season. Ben is quite excited about being approached by the coaches to play for the school. I think it will do him good to be part of a team. Learning how to be a team player is important. Now age 13 measuring in at 5 ft 6 in. weighing in at 130lbs. He has went from that little boy to a half grown man. I can't believe how much he has changed in a years time. The end of last year he was wearing a size 14 regular pants. By the beginning of this school year he is in a 32/32 pair of pants. Wearing a size 9 men's shoe. My little boy isn't little anymore.


Last night I pulled out a bunch of old photos my mom had given me yesterday to share with the boys. They laughed and of course made fun of the pictures of them in the tub bathing as little babies. I showed them pictures of me as a little girl. Jacob my youngest said my mommy dressed me funny.. I told him no funnier than your mommy dresses you. Its fun how those two will taunt each other and then me. Here is the conversation between Ben , Jacob and I while looking at pictures. Starting with their hospital photos the day of their birth.

Me: Look here you are Jaybird the day you were born in NICU and again when you were a month old. Ben here you are shortly after birth while laying in the warmer in the delivery room.

Ben: Mom you said I weighed 12 lbs when I was born I only weighed 9.

Jacob: Ben it still hurt her to have you at 9 lbs cause you had a fat head.

Ben: Well look at your baby picture Jacob you were so small you looked like a
hairless cat.

Jacob: I wasn't hairless I had a head full of hair but you were bald. Mom does that
mean he will be bald when he gets old?

Ben: Mom is that you? How old were you?

Mom: I was 5 and yes that's me.. Want to see more of me when I was a kid?

Jacob: Mom you were a nerd weren't you? I mean look at those goofy clothes you wore.

Mom: Think I look funny? Here look here is one of you naked in the tub. These are the pictures I will be showing your girl friends when you bring them home.*giggle*

Jacob: Oh lord I had some huge ears. Could have been sonars they are so big.

Ben: They were Jacob. I used you for a homing device to find my toys when you were little.

Jacob: (Laughing hysterically) Mom is this your old report card? 5Th grade? Wow Ben now I know why mom fusses at us about making better grades. She made all A's and didn't do her homework either.

So after about an hour of showing them pictures of themselves and me. I came across one of their father. He hasn't seen them but 5 times since 1999 when he and I divorced. He chose to not keep his weekends and holiday visits through the years. So they haven't seen him face to face since 2003. He hasn't ever done anything for them not even so much as paying court ordered 212 dollars a month child support. They looked at the picture of him and asked who that was. I told them it was their daddy. They spent hours talking about him and asking questions. I answered the ones I could and the ones I couldn't I told them I'd find them the answers. So anyway I wonder what today will hold in store for us. As far as my husband now he is on my last nerve. He has this magnificent ability to send me from in a good mood to pissed off in 0.3 seconds. I think tomorrow shall hold a new day in hand.. I will wait to see what the specialist says Thursday to determine what my course of actions where he is concerned is.

Passing Through

Here it is almost 2am and I find myself awake.
Many things have changed over the past few months since my Dad passed away.
I still have moments where I want to rush right over and tell him something wonderful
that has happened. Just to realise in a split second that he isn't there anymore to share
my life with. It's absolute hell being a Daddy's girl for my entire life then one day he is gone.
I have been a bit depressed about losing Dad. During the weeks that followed his death I was
more focused on the boys and how they were handling it. Helping them through their grief and
putting my own on a back burner. One day in November I realised they were going to be just fine
but it hit me and hit me hard. He was my biggest fan.

So here it is a new year , a new day is dawning in a few hours. I want to share with you all some
things that have been going on in my life since September.
In Early November my husband was admitted to the hospital for observation. His doctor who is absolutely one of the best in the state decided to run a lot of test. He ran a cat scan, Xrays, sonograms, blood test so on and so forth. He even had him on telemetry. The next week the test results were in. My husband was called into the office late the evening of November the 5Th. The office emptied of patients. We had been in the exam room since 4:30 it was now 5:30pm. Finally the doctor came into the room. He began telling us results of some of the other test saying this looked fine that looked OK . Then he says the reason I have called you all in today is because I ran a alpha fetoprotein tumor marker scan. Sadly his came back positive. Which means liver cancer. So he decided to refer my husband over to a specialist. We have been waiting on that appointment since but its this coming Thursday. I have watched my husband since November
declining in energy/alert levels. He was extremely active not long ago. Now he is doing good to get out of bed for 3 hours a day. Most of the time he stays in bed and sleeps. Its hard watching someone you care about go out like that. His once sharp mind is that of a kid at times. When I met him years ago he was one of the most intelligent men I knew. But between the rantings, ravings, and regressions in behavior and mentality it has gotten lost. So now I am faced with the all dreaded task of figuring out where I am going to get the money to pay for his medical care and something I have been forced to think about is where the hell am i going to get the money to bury him. He doesn't have life insurance so its going to cost me out of pocket. A 13 1/2 year Veteran of the United States Navy and the only way he can get the doctors he needs and not have to hurry up and wait VA style is by paying out of pocket. As the only provider for my family
It is all I can do to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads. His blood pressure medications went from 40 mg a day of one pill as of to date he is taking 500 mg of medication for his hypertension and its 3 separate medications. I learned through trying to have his 10% disability upped with the VA it could take up to 11 months for an answer. Holy shit do we starve during this time? Will it be to late when and if he is approved. Social Security keeps denying him. I swear it makes absolutely no since what so ever to me. On top of all this he has one son from a previous marriage that has never so much as even bothered bringing his only granddaughter to meet him. The child was born in 2002 and is about 8 years old this coming March. The ungrateful pos kid who is in his 30s now of his only had something to do with his dad when he had money. Now that he has nothing he wont even bother calling him just to say hi dad. Worthless I tell you. I won't even get started on that subject it is a very sore one with me. His only brother I called the day he was hospitalized and the little scrawny ass didn't even bother calling back to say hey whats up with my brother. Hell with family like that who the hell needs enemies? Blah~! it's all I can say about those two worthless wasted specimens of DNA.

The good side of life.. My oldest son was Accepted into Columbus State University. He is majoring in Biomechatronics Engineering. Go David. He left home a few weeks ago to attend
college. So I had three sons at home now I am down to two. They are 13 and 11 now.
Ben my 13 yr old was approached by the coaches at his school and they asked him to play football. He is excited to start weight training for next years season this coming Tuesday. Jacob my 11 yr old is doing awesome in school and thought about going out for cheer leading just to get to hang out with all the pretty girls.. LOL typical boy. Jacob is my little Romeo and Ben is my quiet reserved child.

Can You Solve This Puzzle?

You are riding on a bea utiful white horse.On your left side is a drop off.On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your wayand you can't seem to overtake them.. Behind you is a stampede of horses.What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?








































Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

Daddy

As I sit here tonight in this early morning hour I am drawn to think of my dad. I was just looking at the calendar and its been almost three weeks since he was called home. Part of healing is having the ability to talk openly about the person. Recount the memories and emotions that surrounded that person.

My earliest Memory of dad was when I was about two years old. I can remember that we had a huge snow storm in Georgia that winter. We had about three feet of snow on the ground and my sister needed formula. The roads were impassable. So dad sets out walking to get her formula I followed in behind him and the snow was above my head. I can remember yelling out for dad to get me.. He turned around when he heard me. He picked me up and asked where are you going baby. I said I wanna go with you daddy. He took me back inside to my mom. I pitched a fit cause I wanted to go with my daddy. I can remember the moment he lifted me from the snow how I felt safe and protected. I can remember his deep hearted laugh and the warmth and love that shown from eyes as they twinkled at my innocence. I remember not understanding why I couldn't go with dad. He walked to town to get my sister her formula and came home. I remember running to him and jumping in his arms when he made it back home. I asked a million questions as a small child will do. That day Dad became my hero.. Because he was awful brave to walk through that bad storm.

My second memory of Dad was him keeping vigil by my hospital bed. I was three years old and had kidney reflux. It required surgery to enable me to urinate again. The doctors and nurses came to wheel me to surgery and I cried wanting my daddy to go with me. I begged him not to let them take me away. He said baby I will go with you as far as the elevators but I can't go any further than that. He laid his large gentle hand upon my head and prayed as he had been doing for days and weeks while the doctors figured out what was wrong. I remember his loud deep voice echoing out and asking God to guide the doctors hands and to heal me. I remember looking up into his face and seeing tears slipping quietly down his cheeks. I told him in my little girl way Daddy don't cry and I cried to. When I woke up from surgery in my hospital room and Dad sat holding the most enormous yellow heart filled with chocolates. He exclaimed look what Daddy got you sweety. I remember Daddy feeding me chocolates and saying don't worry about ruining your dinner you deserve it.

Stay tuned for more memories of Daddy.

Happy Birthday Little Sister Though You Canceled it this year.

I know that you canceled your birthday this year because Dad wasn't here to celebrate with you like you both did since you were born. Yes this is the first year he hasn't been here to celebrate with you baby sister of mine. Daddy wouldn't want you sad and grieving. I have a song for you that will follow. Listen closely to the words and lyrics. Dad was so proud of you and loved you so. I know you will miss your daily love calls to him at two o'clock every afternoon. But always remember he still has his 1-800-IloveCarmen hot line still open. I ache for you my heart breaks that you are hurting so deeply. I love you so much and sometimes words just don't come the way they should.

It is said that to leave a mark on the world you have to do something great. Our Dad left a few marks on this world because we brothers and sisters are his greatest achievements. He left a legacy with wonderful grandchildren that no one else could have gifted them with but him.

I am sharing with you what a wonderful friend shared with me last night.

Dear Dad,

Little did we know that morning that GOD would call your name.

In life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone.

For part of us went with you the day GOD called you home.

You left us peaceful memories, your love still our guide.

And though we cannot see you, you are always on our side.

Our family chain is broken and nothing seems the same.

But as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.

WE Love and miss you Dad.

This Month I lost My Dad

Homer L. "H.L" Walls Sr.

Homer L. "H.L." Walls Sr., 72, of Eatonton entered into eternal rest Monday, Sept. 7, 2009, at home after a brief illness.

Mr. Walls was born in Monticello Sept. 24, 1936, to the late Homer C. and Zelia Trotter Walls.

He served in the U.S. Air Force and retired from the State of Georgia Department of Corrections after 34 years of service and dedication. He was a member of Bethal Holiness Church in Ila, Madison County.

He loved and adored his children and grandchildren.

He was preceded in death by his grandsons, Stephen E. Ferguson and John E. Ferguson Jr.; granddaughter Rachel A. Ferguson; brothers Crawford Walls and Howard Walls; and sisters Nellie Ramono and Maybelle Roberts.

Mr. Walls is survived by his children, William R. Walls of Eatonton, Angela Madden of Eatonton, Carmen (Toby) Bradshaw of Ellerslie, and Homer (Mandey) Walls Jr. of Milledgeville; grandchildren, David Ferguson, Mylynda Walls, Ben Morgan, Dillion Bradshaw, Caleb Phillips, Jacob Morgan, Zachary Bradshaw, Dylan Phillips, Ryan Bradshaw, Hanna Bradshaw, Nick Walls and Cole Walls; brothers and sisters, Dora Brock of Eatonton, William Walls of Hull, Tom Walls of Manteca, Calif., Jean King of Ila, Ruby Greenway of Monticello and Ila Horton of Covington; and a host of nieces and nephews.

Visitation was held Sept. 9 at Vining Ivy Hill Chapel, 105 Lower Harmony Road, Eatonton. And the funeral service was held Thursday at the funeral home. Burial was in Crestlawn Memorial Gardens. The Rev. Eugene Walls officiated.Pallbearers were Kevin Parham, Jon Madden, David Ferguson, Greg King, Dany Walls, Horace Greenway, Bud Greenway and Glen Corbitt.